Tomorrow is the annual "Day Without Illegals Mexicans", or "Primero de Mayo", where the rising tide of illegal immigrants and their sympathizers will lay around all day drinking tequila, sure that we gringos are wringing our hands with dread and fear. I have already planned my day, practically by the minute, to make the very most of every opportunity. I publish it here as a template for you to consider how your time might be best spent without the hassles of dealing with 30 million extra warm bodies sucking up your time and money, if only for one precious day.
7:00 am: Instead of gratefully hiding behind the ease of the bus service, enjoy some talk time with the kids by driving them to school, luxuriating in the free flow of traffic and stunning lack of cement mixers and dump trucks.
8:00 am: Already out early, take advantage of the dead zone at the Home Depot garden department and buzz on over to Lowe's on a whim, because there may be a pattern here.
9:00 am: WoW! So ahead on time, call a friend to meet for coffee at that fun spot in the historic district. Enjoy sitting outside the cafe for once because the roofers working next door won't be there to throw debris into my jasmine tea or ogle my friend's vastly superior ass.
10:00 am: Get a new spring hairstyle at The Curl Up And Dye downtown and enjoy some window shopping without fear some leaf blower crew will spoil the new "do".
10:55 am: Try to grab a protein smoothie at the health food store around the corner, but see the sign in the window explaining their odd closure and expressing solidarity with the cause of the illegals. Make a mental note to die of scurvy before buying so much as a one vitamin pill in there. EVER AGAIN.
11:00 am: Consider an impromptu trip to Mega Hel-Mart. The parking lot is eerily vacant. (Are they even open?) Stroll the unusually wide aisles, read all the magazines, languidly browse the fabulous Mexican food section, and never once hear, "Will any Spanish speaking associate, please come to Customer Service.".
12:00pm: Celebrate hard working legal immigrants by grabbing a quick sushi or some Pad Thai way out on the edge of town. Dine in because voluminous travel time credits have accrued since this morning, so there is no real hurry.
1:00 pm: Catch a few commando sun rays in the backyard because the blind guy's pool next door won't be getting its chlorine check today by men who yell, "Mas chlorino!" and who think I don't know the Spanish phrase for "naked white lady ".
3:00 pm: Feeling energized, cruise to get the children from school. Get pulled over for doing 57mph in a 35 zone. Get off with a warning because the officer is so impressed with my ability to even get to speed, much less blow it away by such a large margin. And on a workday! (But it might be the sun tan and hair-do combo. Just a guess.)
4:00 pm: On the way to the National Archives for the kids to see the original U.S. Constitution before it fades away, drive by The White House, wag my arm out the window and scream, "Hola! Hor-hay!", and notice that Bushie still has not gotten around to installing one of those new "virtual fences" he keeps telling us is all the rage in national security.
7:00 pm: Celebrate hard working legal immigrants by splurging on Chinese take-out. Who needs nachos? Chop sticks for all my men! Fortune cookie reads: "May your every day be as sweet as today."
9:00 pm: OOooo....boo boo Moo Goo. Head to the hospital with what will certainly be diagnosed as salmonella poisoning. Good thing the place will be deserted, it being the "Day Without Mexicans" and all...right? No such luck. Seems that the only thing Pablo can't resist doing today is schlepping all twelve members of his immediate family into the only Emergency Room for thirty four miles to get a pregnancy test (Congratulations!), four throat cultures and an $8.00 Tylenol.
Well. It was sweet while it lasted.
9:07 pm: Throw up on Pablo's sandal.
Strictly as a public service on this glorious day without Mexicans, I humbly offer myself as volunteer pool boy. Do I get extra points for helping a blind person who can't see me doing nothing but ogling a naked white lady?
Oh wait, that would be violating Primero de Mayo.
Crap.
[JANE SAYS: Double Crap-o. Sounded like fun-o.]
Posted by: mRed | April 30, 2007 at 08:02 AM
Yoo Hoo, pool boy here!
[JANE SAYS: ....at your cervix!...heeheehee....]
Posted by: mRed | April 30, 2007 at 10:32 AM
Funny. Unfortunately.
Posted by: Rancher | April 30, 2007 at 12:35 PM
"Catch a few commando sun rays" TMI Jane. You had to know that that paragraph was going to get more comments than any other part of your post. Didn't you? :lol:
[JANE SAYS: I have to know you guys are reading for comprehension. RIGHT?]
Posted by: Chuck | April 30, 2007 at 12:40 PM
If you can post your address and tanning schedule, it will be most appreciated.
Posted by: Stealthkix | April 30, 2007 at 01:57 PM
Jane,
I've still got a horrifying image in my head from that comment you left on my site. It will likely be with me a very long time.
Anyways, I'm going to spend May 1 calling my representatives and praying for America. At least these people aren't Muslims, and at least they're abandoning the Roman Catholic church when they get here. Lord knows pedophile-patron Roger Mahony doesn't need anymore shock troops.
[JANE SAYS:I'm just curious-- have you unplugged your cable yet, Lion? You seem WAY to nice to invite filth into your home uninvited. And too thoughtful. Yes, pray. AND GET ON THE TELEPHONE. ]
Posted by: PRCalDude | April 30, 2007 at 02:15 PM
I don't have cable. I have a 10 dollar antenna so that I can watch International Fight League on mondays. We all have our needs.
Posted by: PRCalDude | April 30, 2007 at 05:54 PM
Wow, Rosie sent me. She said you were smart.
Rosie lied.
That was the meanest post I've read in quite a while.
I didn't know you had to be racist to be right wing. You scare me.
[JANE SAYS: So....so....PISSED. heh.
I think you are a puffed up Conservative poseur leavened with a dash of self-loathing who, for what ever streak of envy, finds the Southern heritage that I am saddled with a personal affront.
While it is evident that you were in attendance the day they passed out judgmental vitriol, it IS unfortunate that you missed your complement of critical reading skills.
While I am, technically, an "author", this blog is neither a work of fiction, nor a work of fact at any given time, on any given day.
Welcome to The Realm.]
Posted by: Housewife | April 30, 2007 at 09:50 PM
Housewife,
ur not riting in proper rosie english. ur post should look like this:
wow, rosie sent me. she sed u were smrt.
rosie lied.
that was the meanst post i've red in quite a while.
i didn't no u had to be racist to be rite wing u scare me.
[JANE SAYS: Nicely done, and bless your widdle protective heart. But the ROSIE she refers to is a dear mutual friend of Housewife's and mine. I think HW wandered in here on a day of extra snark and has mistaken a snapshot for the body of my blog. She will forgive me.
So no relation to Rosie O'Donnell. But ARE YOU NOT THE BIGGEST SWEETHEART....A+ for effort. XOXOOXXOOXOXXOOCAPS LOVEXOXOXOOXOXOXO ]
Posted by: PRCalDude | May 01, 2007 at 07:08 AM
Holy f*cking cow housewife! (had to use the asterisk cuz Jane's blog won't let me cuss; bleh) Are you serious? Racist? Geezuz!!! There are millions upon millions of illegal aliens that live in this nation. I'm not sure what part of the country you hail from, but here in Colorado, we suffer tremendously because of the illegals. Some of our own experiences, the experiences of our friends and extended family make me laugh my ass off at posts such as this one. Reality is reality and it's losers like you incapable of seeing clearly that are scary. You oh housewife, will be the downfall of our society.
Posted by: Stacy | May 02, 2007 at 06:25 AM
I loved your blog entry...God Bless America and I mean legal America.
[JANE SAYS: Amen.]
Posted by: Charlene | May 10, 2007 at 10:54 AM