Ten Cynical, Hokie, And Predictable Predictions For The Aftermath Of The Virginia Tech Massacre

The line at the microphones will be lengthy this morning after "the worst massacre in American history". Please. The lack of historical perspective is annoying enough, but the parade of the wanna-be aggrieved, the willing media whores, and the obligatory Bible dusting promises to be positively nauseating.

1. Geraldo Rivera will be first on the scene for FOX News because he beat O'Reilly in that bad boy smack down last week. Geraldo will hold down the fort until Shep Smith can get his roots done and his Botox injections updated. FOX News will eventually shorten the whole mess to , "BLACKSBURG! (gasp)".

2.CNN will dig to find "The Mother"  (a MILF is preferable, but not required) who will be the face of this tragedy. She will have a suspiciously good looking , fresh faced daughter who was "gunned down like and animal". She will weep loudly. She will ultimately, and right on cue, decry the availability of any and all handguns in America. CNN will cram a microphone so far down her throat it will gag us all.

3. Mrs. Bill Clinton (The Pantsuit) will dash from the bank of cameras at Rutgers to the bank of cameras at Virginia Tech in an effort to coral some uber Left wing fringe votes that she lost in her support of the war. Her "tough stance" on gun violence might buy her about ten days on the trail without Lefty hecklers.

4. After Wayne LaPierre changes his soiled britches for about the fifth time, he will make his way to the bright lights to inform gun enthusiasts that their rights are safe and he is "on the job" to ensure that the rights clearly enumerated in the Second Amendment will not be infringed. Folks who could not find $1000 for a lifetime membership suddenly scrape it together in record numbers. NRA membership rolls swell for as long as the "massacre" photos are wall to wall on FOX News. Wayne says a silent prayer of thanksgiving that, although tragic, it happened on a Monday and not on a Friday, so "wall to wall" really means something.

5. Barrack Obama (The Manchurian Messiah) will wait a cool couple of days or so and amble to the thinning bank of microphones long about Thursday and pronounce that gun violence is unacceptable and he will be consulting his balls wife Michelle as to what would be best to remedy this "grievous and intolerable injustice". [UPDATE: (7:35pm) I told you he was a big picture generalist empty suit pusbag. JANE: 1]

6. Rudy Giuliani will stumble into the limelight with a lispy pronouncement that the shooter should not have had a gun at all within the city limits of Blacksburg and add, "Where did a fucking gook get a fucking gun, anyway?". The Republican Party will apologize up and down to the Libs that the Heir Apparent said "gook". The GOP will conveniently forget to apologize to its Base for Rudy's lack of support for their enumerated Constitutional rights.

7. Tom Tancredo will call fourteen media outlets and finally get some hard luck freelancer to talk to him for a quick fifteen second sound byte on the immigration angle of this story. Tom will say that the borders are porous and this Chinaman probably had his student visa rubber stamped by a P.C. immigration official with no regard for his fitness to be in this country studying nuclear engineering in the first place and that all men ages 18 to 35 on such visas should be deported by sundown in large cattle trains back to Juarez and....(snip) . OOoohh...soooorry, Tom, your fifteen seconds are up.

8. Pat Buchanan will send his sister Bay out to the mics to say, "Seeeee? Seee? We told you so."

9. Mitt Romney (The HelMitt) will have one of his Mormon students bring a microphone to his barber chair and he will pronounce that we must forgive the gunman his human flaws and then root out the evil that caused this outburst. Oh...and confiscate all assault weapons and fifteen round clips. Let us pray. The Republican Party will apologize up and down to the Libs that The HelMitt prayed. The GOP will conveniently forget to apologize to its Base for The HelMitt's lack of support for their enumerated Constitutional rights.

10. The average, ignorant American housewife and soccer mom (read: swing voter) will be completely energized by the sudden and statistically improbable violence that is being played and replayed on every cable channel through her widescreen plasma television. She will call all her friends, weep wildly and say, "See? Those Republicans did this. This is George W. Bush's fault. I just knew it."

Liberals: 1 , Conservatives: -10

Looks like a day week custom made for an iPod loaded with gangsta rap, ten pounds of goat milk fudge, and the entire boxed set of The Waltons. Season Two.

Comments

[V5]

As usual, you're spot on.

Terrible tragedy and a shame, and now the left will use the "lone wolf gunman" propaganda to slowly further their agenda against the Constitutional rights of the masses.

V5

[JANE SAYS: THERE YOU ARE!!! A girl gets WONEWEE, Soooo wonewee. xoxo]

[mRed]

Jane does the smackdown in 10. Absolutely drills the target.

I've been watching Hurlado, but CNN sounds interesting.

I am relieved that friend's children at VT are reporting in A-Okay.

[Beth]

GAWD, I thought it was just me with the cynicism creeping through! THANK YOU!!!!

[ProphetJoe]

No, Beth -- you're both tainted ;-)

[Sniper One]

Ewwww... Can I buy a vowel?

[Eyeroll]

You are absolute proof that not everybody can or should blog.

Talent and intellect really do count. You apparently have neither.

It takes more than having opinions. Like writing ability. Wit. Skill.

Ouch.

[JANE SAYS: SO SAYS THE GUTLESS TURD referred from the trollfest going on over at HOTAIR who is too ashamed of HIS OWN STELLAR BLOG to even bother to leave an address!

**Yaaawn**...NEXT.

::stepping back to let the Drive-By Asshole gape solo before the crowd::]

[V5]

Eyeroll is the absolute proof that not everyone has a brain. He's also, proof of the "Left's" Free Speech agenda... which is basically as follows:

You can say or write whatever you want, as long as it falls within the party line. Anything else is forbidden, disliked, insulted, and discarded!!

Left = Sheep!! Baaaaahhhh ... baaahhhh, I say!!

[Peaches]

Okay, that was good. But you might have the "housewife" demographic a bit wrong...at least down here in Texas. Most of us have guns in the house...even if it's just a .22 to shoot snakes in the yard. That stuff about Geraldo and and Shepard Smith was hilarious!

[JANE SAYS: CONGRATULATIONS!! You are my 1000th comment!!! Like you will ever care, but hey...its SOMETHIN'.

And you are right. I am totally broadbrushing this because I am 180 degrees out of that phase of that description. I am ashamed of Women in America today. They are weakened by commercialism, pop culture and political correctness. They feeeeeel when they SHOULD be THINKING.

I am not. And apparently, and THANKFULLY, neither are YOU. I am glad to have you as a sister in sensibility. Be well, stay logical and shoot straight!]

[ProphetJoe]

Events have taken a decidedly personal perspective on this tragedy. About 2 hours ago I learned that one of the young victims was a friend of our family. Austin Cloyd was a wonderful young woman. You can read more about her at http://rodeoofthemind.com/2007/04/17/virginia-tech/

[JANE SAYS: My Dearest Prophet---MY TRUEST SYMPATHIES ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS>>> THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SAY TO EQUAL THE PAIN OF DEALING WITH THE INCONGRUITY OF A SENSELESSLY SLAIN YOUNG PERSON. INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE NEWS ALL DAY YESTERDAY, (because I wisely unplugged the TV long ago) I PRAYED AND MEDITATED OVER THE STRICKEN PARENTS WHO DROVE ALL NIGHT LONG FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY KNOWING WHEN THEY ARRIVED, THE CORPSE OF THEIR CHILD WAITS FOR THEM. I TRIED TO IMAGINE THE SICKENING GRIEF OF A MOTHER, THE HELPLESSNESS OF A FATHER.

I will pray for the spirit of your friend by name. Its what we backslid Baptists do. Bless you too this day, Prophet, and I am so sorry. XOXOXO]

[mad_cow]

Oh Lordy, Jane, that link at #5 I could do without.

Good grief. This guy could be our President? Couldn't you have waited until after tax day to post that? Don't I have enough problems already?

(Your number 10 On. the. money.)

[JANE SAYS: If #10 is right on, and since I KNOW YOU and I ARE NOT LIKE "those" women>>>>don't SIT IDLY BY and ALLOW #5 to happen. Get out and WORK for YOUR chosen candidate>>>>YOURS, not the GOP's .

And thanks for appreciating my cynicism for what it is>>>nothing against the ACTUAL VICTIMS (God KNOWS!) but about my HATRED of the Media Machine that will gorge itself on this for WEEKS....THAT is the sickness of all this.]

[mad_cow]

ProphetJoe, I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with her family. What a tragic loss.

Julie